Culture Clop
by llxxRawr its Beansxxll
Summary: This is probably my last one, guys. Anyway, this is based on 'Culture Shock'. I own nothing.


At Sugarcube Corner, things were looking bleak. No customers were inside the building, and the atmosphere was quite gray. In an effort to gain business, Mr. Cake held up a 'free' sign next to the toppings bar. Rarity, trying her best to help, calmly read a ballet magazine while chewing on a sugar-free cupcake. Pinkie, meanwhile, was dusting the tables, as usual.

Mr. Cake: I just don't get it. If a free toppings bar won't bring in customers, WHAT WILL?!

Rarity dances in a dream-like state, imagining herself in a ballet.

Mr. Cake: Rarity!

Rarity: Uh...yes, Mr. Cake?

Mr. Cake: There's gonna be some changes around here.

Just then, a pony that very closely resembles The Living Tombstone walks in.

Mr. Cake: A customer! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!

The yellow Earth pony quickly seats him and pushes him over to a table.

Mr. Cake: Pinkie, cater to his every whim. And don't screw this one up.

Pinkie: Yes, sir! (to The Living Tombstone) Welcome aboard, sir! Here at Sugarcube Corner, you are the captain, and I, a mere cabin girl. You just say the word, and I will throw myself in the brig! May I take your order?

The Living Tomstone: All I wanted was change for the payphone.

Pinkie: Yes, sir!

She quickly gathers the appropriate change and comes back in less than a second.

Pinkie: Monsieur's change.

The Living Tombstone: Thanks...Hehe. Here you go.

He drops a bit on the table and quickly leaves. Pinkie tries to reach for it, but Mr. Cake gathers the scent of it and jumps onto the table before she can grab it.

Later, at a meeting, Pinkie, Rarity, and Mr. Cake are gathered in a room together, discussing their desperate situation.

Mr. Cake: Now, as you may have noticed, profits are way down this month.

He shows them a graph that goes in a downward zig-zag, which represents their profits.

Mr. Cake: We've got to think of a gimmick to bring in customers. Do you girls have any ideas?

Pinkie: I've got one!

She randomly takes out a tray with a soda and a pair of socks on it from out of nowhere.

Pinkie: A free pair of socks with every purchase! Or maybe 'Double Cupcake Midnight Madness'! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I know! I know! I know! How about 'Mouth Full of Hay Day'? Everypony who shows up with a mouthful of hay...(with a mouthful of hay) Gets a free drink! Huh? Huh?

Mr. Cake: Well, uh, I was thinking more along the lines of live entertainment.

Rarity gasps, a brilliant idea suddenly forming in her mind.

Rarity: That's it, a floor show! Wait, a talent show! With your host, me!

The excited unicorn runs up to Mr. Cake with stars in her eyes.

Rarity: This is the moment I've...I mean, we've...been dreaming of! Think of it, Mr. Cake, you will be responsible for bringing culture to this cultural wasteland we call Ponyville! And not to mention, the money.

Mr. Cake: The money?

Rarity is now lying on the table in front of him.

Rarity: And I can see it now; Pumpkin and Pound Cake, their names up in lights!

Mr. Cake: My little Cakes, stars?

Pinkie: Hopping hay, a talent show! I'm talented! I'd better call my folks!

Pinkie runs off as Mr. Cake and Rarity shake hooves.

Mr. Cake: Rarity, you've got a deal. Make my little Cakes stars.

Much later, Rarity is overseeing the redecoration of Sugarcube Corner for the show.

Pinkie: Hey, Rarity, what time am I going on?

Rarity: Going on what?

Pinkie: The show! When am I going on the show? I have a great act!

Rarity: What talent could you possibly possess?

Pinkie blows a bubble that amazingly turns into a hippo twice the size of her. Both of them acquire a hat and cane and even start to dance together.

Pinkie: Ta-da!

Rarity just yawns due to the lack of culture.

Rarity: Nopony, not even your relatives, would want to see that.

The bubble pops right after Rarity finishes her sentence.

Rarity: What the ponies want is culture, not dancing bubbles.

Pinkie: Okay, I get it. Don't worry, Rarity, I'm gonna come up with the most cultured act ever!

Rarity: (sarcastically) I can hardly wait.

Pinkie runs off excitedly.

Rarity: Phew. Not to be rude, but the only culture Pinkie Pie has is in her horseshoes.

She laughs at her own joke for a while.

Rarity: Horseshoes. Hehehe. I crack myself up.

The night of the show, the street outside is packed with ponies in tuxedos and evening gowns, conducting interviews and covering the big event.

Inside Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie peeks out from behind the curtains of the stage.

Pinkie: Wow! A full house! (gasp!) There's mom and dad! And my two sisters! They are gonna be so proud!

Pinkie's dad shakes hooves with Mr. Cake, dressed in a formal tuxedo, who is standing beside his wife. Pinkie's family is dressed in traditional Amish clothing.

Mr. Cake: Hello, I'm Mr. Cake, and I like cupcakes.

Pinkie: I've gotta get ready!

Rarity, dressed in a black sequined dress, tries to gather the attention of the performers.

Rarity: Alright ponies, listen up. Gather round everypony, chop-chop.

The performers in the talent show make a circle around the unicorn.

Rarity: Now, you may be thinking this is your one shot at the big time. Well, it's not. It's mine.

Pinkie: Hey, Rarity! How about this for the show?

She dashes off, then comes back a split second later with a table. She also acquires a large turban, hoop earrings, and a scarf.

Pinkie: The Amazing Madame Pinkie Pie!

She focuses all her magical energy on a box of doughnuts, causing them to levitate.

Pinkie: Ta-da!

She then dumps all the doughnuts into her mouth at once.

Pinkie: (with her mouth full) Ta-da!

Rarity: Nopony is going to watch you engorge yourself.

She quickly swallows the treats, then grabs onto Rarity's hind legs.

Pinkie: Please, Rarity, let me be in the show! I'll do anything! Anything! Anything!

Rarity: So, you really want to be in the show?

Pinkie: Oh, yes!

Rarity: Okay, you get to mop up afterwards. Now, will you stop pestering me?

She hands Pinkie a mop, then trots back to do last-minute preparations. Pinkie holds the mop in her hooves like it's the Holy Grail.

Pinkie: So this is what it feels like...the big time! With this mop, I shape my destiny!

Finally, the show starts, and Rarity struts out to greet the crowd.

Rarity: Good evening and welcome to the 1st annual Rarity Belle Talent Show. Sponsored by Sugarcube Corner, home of Pinkie Pie's cupcakes, because nopony else would give them a home.

Rainbow Dash, who is sitting at the same table with the Cakes and Pinkie's family and friends, laughs her head off at the simple joke. Nopony else in the audience joins her.

Rarity: Thank you. Our next act is living proof that nepotism is alive and well.

She continues to chuckle loudly. Applejack looks over at the Pegasus, annoyed.

Rarity: Put your hooves together for...

She keeps on laughing, basically summarizing a brony's reaction to horse puns on the show.

Rarity: Put your...

More chuckling ensues.

Rarity: Put...

DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT?!

Rarity: Pumpkin and Pound Cake.

The curtain rises on the two foals, dressed in diapers and sitting on the stage, confused. The audience, especially Mr. and Mrs. Cake, stomps their hooves on the ground in approval.

Mr. Cake: Hooray! My little Cakes are finally stars.

They do nothing for a while until Pumpkin makes a funny raspberry noise. Pound Cake laughs, and they play onstage for a while, the spotlights following their every move. Most of the crowd emits audible 'DAWWWs' from the cuteness. Then, multiple heart attacks ensue from the diabeetus.

Mr. Cake: That's what I call talent. HNNNGG!

Pinkie's dad looks as Mr. Cake falls to the floor, clutching his heart. When the baby Cakes finally finish 'performing', it is chaos. Surviving ponies try to tend to the cuteness-prone ones. Nurse Redheart even hands out a few insulin shots to help.

As Rarity pulls on the rope to lower the curtain, she yelps as she sees Pinkie with the rope tied around her waist.

Pinkie: Hey Rarity, listen, what do you think? When I mop, should I go forward and back? No, no, side to side.

She releases the rope, sending the pink Earth pony flying into the rafters. Then, she walks back onstage to introduce the next guest.

Rarity: And now, poetry.

She walks backstage, but peeks back out to announce the performer.

Rarity: By...Gummy.

The crowd claps as they see the alligator on a stool, right next to a microphone. Words are scarce for him, as he mostly sits there and doesn't give a buck about anything.

Fluttershy: (sigh) He has such a way with words.

Rarity looks impatiently at her watch as she waits for Gummy to finish.

Rarity: Come on, come on, Ginsburg. If he doesn't hurry it up, we're not going to have time for the best act; me!

Pinkie: Rarity, should I use Mr. Cleanser or Dr. Clean?

Rarity: Yes.

The audience applauds as Trixie appears from behind the curtains, ready to put on a magic show.

Trixie: I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, with the use of prestidigitation, will make a cupcake disappear before your very eyes. First, Trixie will need a volunteer from the audience.

Using a smoke screen as a cover, the Great and Impoverished Trixie steals a cupcake from a pony in the front row and gallops toward the doorway. Before she can escape, however, Mr. Cake blocks her way, taking the sweet treat back.

Mr. Cake: Nice try. Your act's over, bub.

Trixie: You may win this time. She-hah-kazeek!

She tries to use a spell on him, but the sparks from her horn explode and leave Trixie a blackened mess.

Trixie: Well, this stinks.

The crowd boos her off the talent show floor as Rarity watches, worried.

Mr. Cake: RARITY!

He angrily approaches the white unicorn, leaving a trail of flames behind.

Mr. Cake: This show is a disaster! You're ruining me!

Rarity: Now, now, don't you worry, Mr. Cake. I've saved the best for last, you'll see.

Mr. Cake: For your sake, I hope you're right.

A drum roll sounds and the spotlights go everywhere for the final performance of the night.

Rarity: (over a microphone) _And now, fillies and gentlecolts, the moment you've all been waiting for. We've saved the best for last. Put your hooves together for...The Incomparable Rarity!_

A trumpet fanfare sounds and neon lights display a colorful 'RARITY LIVE' as the Element of Generosity herself gleefully trots upon the stage, dressed in a blue leotard.

The crowd stares, confused at what is going on.

A light, whimsical tune plays, and Rarity skips along the stage as an obviously fake bluebird on puppet strings flies by.

Then, the mood suddenly changes, and a techno beat plays. Rarity does a set of very strange dance moves that only manages to confuse the audience even more.

Doctor Whooves, who has brought Derpy along as a date, looks in a mixture of anger and confusion.

Doctor Whooves: What the...?!

A few more seconds, and the crowd couldn't take any more. They run right up to the tomato stand and start to throw them at poor Rarity, getting the fruit in her mane, her eyes, and on her leotard that she had made herself.

Mr. Cake: I'm losing money on this deal!

He replaces the 'Free' sign at the bar with a sign that reads '1 Bit'. Doctor Whooves gratefully hands over a bit for a tomato to throw.

Doctor Whooves: It's worth every bit!

Rarity: You foals! You don't even know talent!

Crowd: No talent! No talent! No talent!

Rarity stomps off angrily, and the curtain closes.

Pinkie: Hey Rarity, can I go on now?

Rarity: Yes, show's over!

The boos from the crowd continue as Pinkie walks onstage and mops up the tomatoes left behind. Suddenly, the crowd becomes appeased at this and cheers her on as she mops. She stops briefly before going back to mopping for a while. Then, she exits to the right and mops all the way to the left, garnering a huge applause from the crowd.

Rarity, wiping the tears from her eyes, hears the happy crowd and looks up hopefully.

Rarity: They want an encore!

Pinkie walks backstage and is ready to go out again before Rarity lightly pushes her out of the way.

Rarity: Stand aside, Pinkie Pie!

Her grin is wide as she jumps out from backstage, ready to dance again. However, it soon turns to a frown when she sees that the applause stops as soon as she sets her hoof on the stage. She growls and stomps off angrily backstage. Pinkie then comes back, mopping across the stage and gaining a huge applause. Rarity then jumps back out, but sees that the applause wasn't for her.

Rarity runs backstage, grabs Pinkie, and shows her cuteness to the crowd. She gets a huge cheer. However, when Rarity peeks her own head through the curtain, the cheers stop abruptly. Then, Pinkie's pink hoof gets cheered on, but Rarity's white hoof doesn't. Then, the curtain opens and shows Pinkie mopping. But it suddenly closes and opens again, and when it does, Rarity is seen mopping. No matter how she mops or what she does, the crowd just doesn't like her. She tries to mop up a tomato like Pinkie, but in the end, she gets another tomato thrown at her. Pinkie, ready to save the day, grabs a broom and dustpan, then sweeps the tomato up from the ground. The crowd goes wild, making it obvious that Pinkie has won the talent show.

The pink party pony's parents carry Mr. and Mrs. Cake in a wheelbarrow full of money.

Mr. Cake: You did it, Rarity! What a great show!

Pinkie's Mom: Oh, my daughter's a star!

Pinkie's Dad: Who ever knew she had such talent?

Mr. Cake: I'll be needing another wheelbarrow for next week's show!

Rarity sighs. Pinkie, meanwhile, gets dozens of bright and colorful flowers thrown at her as she finishes cleaning up.


End file.
